Why You Can’t “Just Be Present”: Trauma, Nervous System Responses, and the Healing Power of Connection

When we are activated, we are not present. The rupture of dysregulation pulls us out of the moment, shifting us into protection rather than connection. Healing from trauma is not just about individual regulation—it is about restoring the relationships, environments, and connections that shape our nervous system’s sense of safety.

Trauma and the Nervous System: A Relational Lens

Have you ever found yourself in a moment where your body is reacting, but you can’t quite explain why? Your heart is racing, your thoughts are scattered, or you feel like you’re watching yourself from a distance, unable to engage.

This is not a personal failing. It’s your nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do—protect you.

When we talk about fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, we’re talking about the body’s adaptive responses to perceived danger. These responses don’t come from conscious thought; they arise from the autonomic nervous system, shaped by past experiences, trauma, and what our body has learned about safety.

But here’s the key: When we are activated, we are not present.

The rupture of dysregulation pulls us out of the present moment. Our nervous system, detecting a threat (real or remembered), moves us into survival mode—preparing us to fight back, run, shut down, or appease. In that moment, we are no longer in conversation, no longer in connection. We are in protection.

Understanding the Polyvagal System

The polyvagal system, described by Dr. Stephen Porges, helps explain why this happens. It maps how our body shifts between states of:

• Social engagement (ventral vagal) → Safety, connection, presence

• Mobilization (sympathetic) → Fight or flight, preparing for action

• Shutdown (dorsal vagal) → Freeze or collapse, disengaging from overwhelm

These shifts are not choices. They are autonomic—deeply ingrained responses based on what our body has learned about safety over time.

For those who have experienced relational trauma, the nervous system may be more sensitive to rupture—interpreting stress, conflict, or uncertainty as a threat to survival.

But trauma is not just stored in individual bodies. It is held in relationships, communities, and land-based histories. The nervous system does not function in isolation—it is constantly responding to the environments, people, and histories it is embedded within.

This is why presence isn’t just a personal practice—it is deeply relational.

Healing Is Not an Individual Process

Too often, trauma healing is framed as something we must do alone—regulating our own nervous systems, controlling our emotions, or “working through” trauma as a personal burden. But our nervous systems are not meant to function in isolation.

Regulation is relational—it happens between us, not just within us.

• A co-regulating presence—a steady voice, an attuned person, a safe environment—invites the nervous system out of survival and into connection.

• The land, animals, and more-than-human world also offer regulation, grounding us in something larger than the immediate crisis.

• Repairing ruptured relationships allows the nervous system to learn that connection can be safe again.

Healing from trauma means rebuilding the conditions for safety—not just within ourselves, but in the spaces, relationships, and ecologies we move through.

The More-Than-Human World as a Source of Regulation

The interconnectedness of all beings is not just a spiritual concept—it is a biological reality. Our nervous systems evolved in relationship with land, water, and other species. In times of dysregulation, these connections offer pathways back to presence:

• The land remembers collapse—and renewal. It has survived mass extinctions, ice ages, and colonial extraction. It also knows how to heal.

• Non-human kin adapt, care, and resist extraction through reciprocity. We are not the first to face collapse. We do not have to do it alone.

• Healing does not come from control but from relationship. The land does not belong to us—we belong to it.

An Invitation to Explore Presence

If you find yourself unable to be present, ask:

• What does my nervous system need right now?

• What helps me shift from protection into connection?

• Who or what co-regulates me, offering a sense of safety?

Presence is not a mindset—it is a physiological state. And we don’t arrive there alone.

What has helped you reconnect after activation? Let’s explore together.